Oh and I forgot...

I have been working on this project for a while and I'm pretty excited about it! I thought I'd post it for you guys to look at, just so I can feel good about myself. It is my senior writing portfolio.

Here is the link:

http://kathrynkeller.weebly.com/

Bon Iver

This entire post is dedicated to the genius of one of my favorite musicians of all time: Bon Iver! I really just have to rave about him for a second or two and my blog seems to be the perfect medium. Gosh, he's just too beautiful for me to handle sometimes. If you haven't heard his music, I feel terribly for you (Jonathan Monson..eh hmmm :). I finally got his new album from my dear brother who burned it for me. I have been telling myself I'm too poor to buy it, but I finally have it in my hands. The whole album is so other-worldly and fantastic. Anyway, here are a few links to a few songs on it, just in case you haven't heard them/ him.

• "Calgary": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbJy1zeoDn4

• "Holocene": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3ePlc3Gi_8

• "Hinnom, TX": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kbr6Ui5VGRE

I'm just a wee bit obsessed with him at the moment, and for the last year...

"We blew horns and that how it's been."

Today I discovered this journal entry which I wrote when I was 7:

"Today in church we had a sapstotoot (substitute) for are church. In are class yesterday we went jetscieing (jet skiing). It was fun. I liked it. A few days ago I staed (stayed) Home from school and we Got to have a mondo drink. And a Packe of rollerdlades And we got raesiens. and we got to have a boloniey sandwich I aet it all up. It was very very good."

Wow. What a brilliant child I was. All I cared about was the food. I guess some things never change. haha.

I have decided to share with you some hilarious snapshots from my life as captured through the medium of my parents and siblings in this beige journal which is a genuine treasure. I hope you're ready. But I really don't think you are.....

Oct. 14, 1990 (age 3-written by mom):
"I sure think you are cute. You want to know if stars have hands. I don't know. I kind of doubt."

Most of my entries begin with: "I like Jake. He is fun," or "Jake is cute."

Jan 3, 1993 (age 6):
"I like school. I don't like Amanda messing with my stuff." :)

July 4, 1993:
"Marnie did my hair this afternoon. I look VERY cute. It's poofy like Marnie's. Mom made donuts for us today. They were very good. Everyone said they loved my hair and that it was very CUTE! On vacation, we're gonna visit the John's. Janalee doesn't like me. She only likes Juliann. Last time she came she ignored me." hahahah

Sept. 11, 1994 (age 7):
"Today at confrence I decided not to tack paper because I thogth it wolde destraced me on thinking about Jesas Crist Because he is the Saviyor of the World and Hevenly Father is Jesases father I have a testemone that are savyor Jesas Crist does Live and he loves each of us And we are Jeses Crists children and he loves each of us that are in this world He made you and evrything that is arond you and I no The Church of Jesas Crist and latter day saints"

Jan. 7, 1996:

"I'll tell you about how I'v been. First we had Christmas and I got cool things one is a keyboard and a dress. Then like all things it ended. And then it was new years we had fun than to. when the clock got to 12 we blew horns and that how it's been. see ya."

Oh good times. I wish you could have seen me as I read some of these. I was almost tearing up with laughter. None of you probably enjoyed this as much as I did, but that's what blogs are for right? Forcing your private jokes on your loved ones. :)

Texas or California?

Haha. Somehow I always knew it would come down to these two states. It's no surprise why. The sun shines in these places. I like sun. Sun is good. Me need sun. Me happy in sun. I don't know how many times I've sworn to myself that I would never live in a state where it snowed, but I'm actually quite serious about it. So, I've really been considering both of these places. If anyone has any job leads, I'm all ears. I was thinking particularly of Austin, for some reason, but who knows? I guess it all depends on where I can find a job of ANY kind. My main goal is to earn/ save as much money as possible in the next year before until I start grad school. Oh decisions decisions. I'm leaning toward Texas right now because it's WAY cheaper and I feel like I would save a bit more money there. Is it even possible to save money when you live in CA? You Californians better jump in here and share your thoughts. Anyway, with 26 days til graduation, I best get on this. I can't wait to graduate. I know I've said it before and you are probably terribly sick of hearing it, but I just don't care. WHOO HOO! I am so stoked.

Well, ta ta for now. Love you all!

Kathryn

A few of my favorite things...

Hello from my mind:

So I just want to share with you a few things that are rocking my world right now. Just for fun, and because I can't think of anything extraordinary to say.

1. Elephants. I just saw that Water for Elephants movie a while ago and have become somewhat obsessed with elephants since then. They are the coolest animals God ever dreamed up.

2. Brandi Carlisle: "Before it Breaks." I just really really love this song right now. I've listened it to it ten times in the last hour. Soon it will probably not be my favorite song anymore. hahah. Here is a youtube link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPLST5EYsSE

3. The writing of John Stuart Mill: "I never, indeed, wavered in the conviction that happiness is the test of all rules of conduct, and the end of life. But I now thought that this end was only to be attained by not making it the direct end. Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way."

4. The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Guided by the inspiration of a friend and home teacher (and the Spirit of course), I decided to challenge myself to read the Book of Mormon in a month, which means i need to read 17 pages a day. It is a time sacrifice for sure, but already my life is changing under the power of that book (again!). It is a great gift I'm giving to my life right now.

5. Poetry. Poetry. Poetry. As usual. I'm still inhaling it and doing my best to write it. It remains my most violent, rapturous passion in life. :) Here is a poem I wrote recently after watching a video about the old film critic/ writer, Roger Ebert after his jaw removal:

Voice: To Roger Ebert

As I look at you I realize that voice is something altogether

separate from larynx, pharynx, palate, tongue, teeth, lips, sound.

Voice is being. Voice is thought. Voice is essence.

A cold, empty voice is now yours.

It was manufactured by some tech geniuses in Scotland.

I wonder what you did the first morning you woke up

after they removed your jaw,

and you tried to speak.

Did you cry?

Did you weep?

What happens to the mind when ability is swallowed by disability?

Of this I know something.

Is voice inherent?

Is voice cultivated?

Was I born with my voice?

Voice is the dearest treasure in the universe.

I never knew that until I heard yours.

6. Friends. I really have been blessed with the most remarkable friends in the wide world. A few of my dearest friends in the world came to visit me in Rexburg this weekend: a mission companion, mission friend, and convert I taught on my mission. It was a delightful weekend. Here are a few pics of us traversing my little town.


Well, that's about it for now I suppose since I still have to read my 17 pages of the Book of Mormon and I have class tomorrow morning. The time has already slipped so quickly away from me. Sorry for all of my avid readers for my long absence from the world of blogging. What can I say? I graduate from college in forty-two days? I'm a bit preoccupied. :)

Going to the Mattresses

Today I decided to start all over at life. I really have been going about it all wrong. It's time for a change. Which usually means I need to dye my hair...hmmm..better ask if my roommates are game. Oh man it's too late. Living in a town like Rexubrg, Idaho means that everything is closed at 11:46 p.m. Drat. Tomorrow will be my official new start then. I don't know why, but it never feels official until I dye my hair or do something drastic to signify my seriousness. Like in high school when I was such an insomniac and would get the urge to cut my hair at 3 a.m., and then when I walked downstairs the next day, Mom would look at me and laugh and say: "hmm, you cut your hair again, eh?" She never really knew what I would look like when I walked down the stairs in the morning. And I didn't either. When something needed to change in my life, my hair was usually the first victim.

Today my friend told me that I am negative and unhappy and in a bad place, and while I initially just wanted to punch her in the face and walk away laughing, after a few minutes of talking, I broke down and realized she is so so right. I have been waiting for happiness to come to me, but it never will. I must corner it and lock it in my closet. I feel pretty ready to be done with BYU-Idaho and the Rexburg scene lately (ok, since I returned from my mission--let's face it), and I sort of feel like I'm in a rut waiting to leave and move on. That is a frustrating feeling, so I just sort of gave up on happiness and meaning in life.

But today I decided to take it all back. I used to be so happy and carefree and content. I miss those days. Maybe they are gone forever with my childhood. Maybe life's brutality has taken them from me and I can't take them back. But I hope not. haha this sounds so upbeat. Luckily, only a few of you select people read this thing anyway.

I guess I'm just impatient. My mom always said I was too impatient with life. When I turned 16, I was already ready to be 17. I'm too eager and impatient for the next thing to come my way. It's one of my huge character flaws, I guess you could say. But, leaving BYU-Idaho will not make me happy. Moving to wherever I move will not make me happy (although I hope it's somewhere warm and sunny, which would in fact, make me happy). I have to find happiness in whatever I'm currently sitting in, which is BYU-Idaho. I will find the good in my circumstance and embrace it. So this is my fightsong.

Yeah..I feel better already. :)

Birthday Photos!

As I mentioned, Ashley and Scotty made a big to-do about my birthday. They were so cute. I have the best family in the world, perhaps. :)

And then I was 24

Well, today was my birthday. It was pretty sweet. I love my family and friends sooooo much! Last night my friend threw a small party for me, which was swell. Then, today, Scotty and Ashy put a crown on my head and transported me to their house in a chariot with ribbons on the antenna, where we enjoyed a DELICIOUS meal of fajitas made by Scotty. Then we went to cousin's house and partied some more. I am sooo lucky to have you all in my life! I talked to my siblings and friends and was bombarded with facebook love (which, after all, is the only kind that counts right?? (this is me shaking my head)).

All in all, I'm pretty pleased to be 24. I plan on kicking life's butt as a 24 year old. That's right, this is my LIFE-KICKIN, BYU-I graduatin, job-gettin, grad school commencin, world-changin, friend-makin, book writin, money earnin, year BABY!!!

Or, maybe it will be just like my 23rd year, but hey, I gotta plan big ok? :)

Exciting news..

1. Well, this week I FINALLY GOT A JOB IN REXBURG, IDAHO--something, I admit, I never thought possible. Granted, it is going to be the most loathsome job of my life. It is at a call center. I will call people and survey them. Hey, as long as it keeps me fed, I'm thrilled! You can't ask much more of Rexburg, I've learned.

2. I just received word that I was accepted to participate in the National Undergraduate Literature Conference at Weber State University in Ogden, UT! I submitted several poems at the encouragement of my favorite poetry professor, but forgot all about it until I checked my email a couple days ago. I must admit that I had never heard of this conference before, but I am SO excited! It is a three day conference at the first of April, and students from all over the country come and attend workshops and read their original works. So I have to read my poetry during one of the sessions.

And the best part is that BYU-Idaho is paying my way (good thing cause it turns out it costs $130)! So, we're all gonna head down there in a van and party it up. The cool thing is that three famous writers are going to be there. Writers such as Sharon Olds (a mind-blowingly good poet, for those of you who've never heard of her), Terry Gifford, and Russell Banks. I'm just so freaking excited. What a random, unexpected opportunity!

Anyway, I gotta go do some homework, but I just wanted to let you guys know. Things are lookin up for the old Killer Keller.

I am no longer standing...

Well, I am so used to updating this thing, but I forgot to do it this week, because the news isn't exciting this time. I got eliminated! Not gonna lie..there were some disgustingly bad poets still standing man, but they voted ME out. It's cool. It's sort of a popularity contest anyway. So, that's done. It was a fun ride though.

So what else is going on in my life? Not much, really. It is is a beautiful, sunny, Rexburg day that makes me sooo happy. I plan on burying myself in my covers and reading reading reading for the remainder of the evening. What a life I lead. :) I don't think I could be any more of a bookworm, really. And instead of getting better, it's getting worse as I grow up. Speaking of growing up, I am turning 24 in a couple weeks. Wow. This will be a big year for me. I will get a big girl job and start grad school...yikes! I don't know if I have a clue what I'm doing, but I suspect that I don't.

I wrote a poem today about mom. It's a bit sad, but I thought I share it with you guys anyway. :)

Motherless

I have forgotten the way you used to talk,

tenderly and excitedly,

as if you were utterly engrossed in my teenage babbling,

as I lay on your bed and watched you quilt,

with a Turner Classic movie playing in the background.

I can’t recall the feel of your skin,

soft and weathered,

against mine,

as we embraced,

and you whispered secrets in my ear.

I have forgotten the cackle in your laugh,

that always filled in the spaces at parties,

and was greeted with laughter in turn,

by everyone near.

I don’t remember how you spent your days,

while we were at school,

and you were alone in our big, empty house,

because I never asked you.

I have forgotten the way you used to defend us

like we were your dearest and most beautiful possessions,

when anyone ever tried to hurt us.

I don’t remember the way your silver hair

shimmered in the sunlight,

gently brushed and curled by your careful hands,

or the smell of your mauve lipstick on Sundays.

I wish I could remember what you loved so much

about the gospel you taught us,

or the way you prepared copious lessons for ten years

to teach to teenagers who weren’t even awake to hear them.

I have forgotten the way you used to love me,

as no one else could.

I have forgotten what you saw in me

when your eyes lit up as they pierced mine,

and I knew you saw who I really was.

Last Poet Standing Update

Ok so tonight was round three of the poetry competition here at BYU-Idaho, and I guess I should say at this point that I'm beyond shocked!! Because....I made it to round four!!!! They eliminated three people tonight, which means there are only 9 of us left. Needless to say, I'm getting nervous. There are some truly amazing poets left, like mind-blowing, and I actually can't understand why I'm still there man. hahah. This has gone WAY farther than I ever thought it would. Anyway, if I do win the kindle, I'm selling it for some moolah. That would actually be SWEET!!! :) Here is the poem I wrote today about an inanimate object:

Ostia Antica

I’ll never forget your frescoed walls

or broken children,

crumbling under an ancient Italian sun,

as I meandered with gelato swimming on my tongue,

through your gardens and homes.

I had never seen so much brokenness.

It made me sad.

It made me relieved.

Relieved to know that I can be broken too,

but also beautiful.

I crumble.

I rust.

I topple.

Maybe someday, people will travel a long way to look at me

too.

Your empty rooms and shaded corridors

were sacked by pirates,

and burned by your enemies.

You were once the great harbor city of Rome.

Now you are a memory people pay 6.5 euro to look at.

I'm actually embarrassed because this is totally unfinished, and in fact, I was still finishing it when they called me up to the stage first. I was mad I went first. Stay tuned for next week. This is about the only cool thing going on in my life right now, and consequently, the focus of my blog. Oh, and next week's challenge is "the day after Valentine's." Consequently, the next round takes place on the day after Valentine's. If anyone has any brilliant ideas, let me know.

Last Poet Standing

So about a month ago, I submitted a poem to a competition on campus called "Last Poet Standing," for the sheer fact that the winner received a kindle, and also a friend of mine and I wanted to compete against each other. I think 70 people initially started out, and after two elimination rounds, we are down to 12. Tonight was the second elimination round, and shockingly (literally), I made it! So now I have to write a new poem and read it next Tuesday, where three of us (probably me), will be eliminated. I should probably share the poems I've written on here. Huh?

So they give us a new challenge every round and this time the challenge is to write about a day in the life of an inanimate object. If you guys have any ideas, please, I'm all ears. The challenge for today was to write about a historical, mythological, or pop culture figure in an unusual situation. So I wrote about all the artists on my iPod chillin at a cafe. I'll include it just for fun, in case you want to read it:

iPod Café

The room is dim except for the multi-colored

lights hanging from strings above each table.

as I enter and find a seat at the bar.

Buddy Holly and Samuel Beam are talking over coffee—the coolest cats there,

while Paul Simon and the Fleet Foxes discuss politics.

John Lennon and Taylor Swift nod quaintly at each other, but don’t say much.

John is too busy catching up with Pauly and the boys.

Bob Dylan and Bob Marley are cookin up some sweet jams in the back over a bit of cannabis

while The Temptations lounge with Miles Davis, laughing about the good old days.

Mac Wilberg looks slightly uncomfortable talking to Michael Jackson

and Miley Cyrus seems to hate everyone.

I knew I shouldn’t have invited her.

Bon Iver is on the small, spotlit stage,

singing my favorite song: “Re: Stacks,”

and as I cry, Chris Martin puts his arm around me and smiles.

They’re all there,

mingling into my consciousness

sipping cokes and lattes and dreaming about better times.

And just now, I think the world is ok,

as I sit in my iPod café.

Winter in Rexburg just gets colder and colder

Well, I apologize to my many fans. It's been months since I've blogged. I know many of you have been ravenous for my next post (Julie Hansen and Marianne Calcara). I'd like to say that I've been too busy, but mostly, I've just been too lazy.

I'm in the middle of my second to last (yessss) semester at BYU-I. I decided that for once in my life, I'm going to get straight As in class. So this semester, I'm actually doing all my homework and getting really good grades on quizzes, and I hope I get As. It's really sad to realize that I could have been doing this all along, but never knew it or cared. Yikes. Well, I guess I'm getting it just in time to apply the concept to grad school. Perfect. That's where it really counts.

So, other than that there's really nothing going on. And I mean nothing. I am taking a sweet young adult lit. class which requires me to read 30 books this semester, so in my "spare" time, I read young adult novels. I'm literally cooped up in my bedroom alllll day reading and doing homework. I live the life of a hermit, I sometimes think.

I've been losing a lot of weight for some reason. I've lost about 10 pounds in the last few months or more. I'm back to my pre-mission weight now. This is both excellent and frustrating news. Excellent cause I'm looking good, frustrating cause now all of my clothes drown me, especially my jeans. So I look like I'm wearing old lady jeans all the time.

I wish I had pictures to post, but I just got my new battery charger in the mail so I'll do that soon. Gees, this is really lame, but hey, my life is boring, so what more can I say really? :) Be back soon. I promise.

Literanxiety

Well, it's two days after Christmas. Here's what I got--because I know all of you are ravenous to know:

• two sweet groupons--one to Nordstrom Rack (with which I bought a fabulous sweater this afternoon :) and one to the Body Shop (which I have yet to use)
• a great cardigan from Gap (go Judy!)
• a book from Scotty and Ashy (via Jake)
• a beautiful scarf from Hungary
• and cash--the universal giftcard, as Dad likes to call it. To spend this cash, I bought some wonderful Target purchases. Target is the best!

So that's that. Christmas was weird this year, as only Jake, Kristin, and I are here from the Keller fam. Nonetheless, it was wonderful. For reals. We have had a lot of fun together and with the Chais and some of their family. We've played a lot of games, and eaten way too much food. Gees. I better crack down hard on my workout regimen this winter. urggghhh. Why can't I control myself during the holidays? It's impossible.

So I'm feeling a little bit of anxiety over finishing all the books which are stacked on my dresser, waiting to be read. I really wanted to finish a couple over break before school starts up again, but it looks grim. haha. I am reading The Letters of Vincent van Gogh right now, but in line behind that is Life of Pi, Gilead, and Of Mice and Men. Gees. I get reading anxiety sometimes. I get so excited about all these books that I wanna read, but panic that I'll never finish them. What's that called? I'll call it literanxiety. I like that.

Well, at this point, I'm actually excited to start school again. I get a little stir crazy at home. I have a week left here, which will be about perfect. I would lose it if I stayed here longer than that. Well readers aka siblings and friends, I'll catch ya later.

Annie Dillard is my besty!

So, I've read for the first time, and fallen in love, with Annie Dillard this semester. I have been reading a few of her books in my nonfiction literature class. She is just fantastic. Any of you who are unfamiliar, I urge you to read her work. I am reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek right now, for which she won a Pulitzer prize at the age of 29. Here is a little taste of it:

"I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wandering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty beats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them, under the wind-rent clouds, upstream and down. Simone Weil says simply, 'Let us love the country of here below. It is real; it offers resistance to love (P. 232-233).'"

Gees, pretty remarkable right? Ooohhh it gives me absolute literary chills. :) That's about it for today, I guess. I just had to rave about her for a sec.

I wrote a new poem today, well a few, but here is my favorite. I haven't titled it yet. Tell me what you think.

When I smell my scriptures,

I smell Sister Smith—

the pillar-of-a-woman

recent convert whose house

reeked of piss and all things dying.

When I smell my scriptures,

I remember her toothless smile and fierce hugs,

and how, after missing my scriptures for three weeks,

she delivered them to me at church,

like a storybook hero—

forever imprinting them with her smell.

When I smell my scriptures,

I feel the waves of the Atlantic rolling

over my feet,

and see the photograph of my entire zone

suspended over the shore, weightless in time.

When I smell my scriptures,

I feel mosquitoes slowly sucking

the life out of me,

day after day--

leaving bloody smudges on my nylons,

when I squashed them.

When I smell my scriptures,

I remember the humidity

of Florida summers, and

the hope that people would somehow

see in two drenched varmints,

representatives of Jesus Christ.

When I smell my scriptures,

I see President Darrington’s blue gaze

and half-moon spectacles—

my very own Dumbledore!

and I hear him say with a choked voice:

“This is the work of the Lord!”

When I smell my scriptures,

I hear my alarm clock ringing at 6:30,

and feel myself rolling over, moaning

“no, please no”

as I fall to my knees.

When I smell my scriptures,

I think of a time when love was all that mattered

and I wish, oh how I wish,

that I were once again wearing nylons and

a tiny black nametag.

Pie Chart of my life

This is what I made today instead of doing homework:

Conclusions: I sleep too much and don't do enough homework...

At this very moment...

there is a giant stack of books about Shakespeare on my desk; I am eating crunchy cheetos; I am planning a trip to NYC; I am listening to Taylor Swift; I'm about to do Pilates. That's it for today folks. :)

Poem of the day

Saturn's Rings

When people say they're in love,

I always wonder what they mean.

Those four letters strike me

with fear and bewilderment

my heart races, my hands clam

and suddenly I am in first grade

learning about Saturn's rings,

giddy by their color and beauty

stupefied by a world of darkness

I never knew I belonged to.

My friends call me a walking dictionary

but there is one word I can't define

one word that haunts me, scorns me:

I fear I will never understand.

I don't speak of it or write of it

because that would be like an artist performing surgery

so it is the tragedy

I hide in the darkness,

never speaking of, but never forgetting.

I tell myself it doesn't exist,

but I know I'm lying.

If not for love,

then for what?

Maybe this is the source of its power

maybe I will always be in first grade

in love's classroom.