Going to the Mattresses

Today I decided to start all over at life. I really have been going about it all wrong. It's time for a change. Which usually means I need to dye my hair...hmmm..better ask if my roommates are game. Oh man it's too late. Living in a town like Rexubrg, Idaho means that everything is closed at 11:46 p.m. Drat. Tomorrow will be my official new start then. I don't know why, but it never feels official until I dye my hair or do something drastic to signify my seriousness. Like in high school when I was such an insomniac and would get the urge to cut my hair at 3 a.m., and then when I walked downstairs the next day, Mom would look at me and laugh and say: "hmm, you cut your hair again, eh?" She never really knew what I would look like when I walked down the stairs in the morning. And I didn't either. When something needed to change in my life, my hair was usually the first victim.

Today my friend told me that I am negative and unhappy and in a bad place, and while I initially just wanted to punch her in the face and walk away laughing, after a few minutes of talking, I broke down and realized she is so so right. I have been waiting for happiness to come to me, but it never will. I must corner it and lock it in my closet. I feel pretty ready to be done with BYU-Idaho and the Rexburg scene lately (ok, since I returned from my mission--let's face it), and I sort of feel like I'm in a rut waiting to leave and move on. That is a frustrating feeling, so I just sort of gave up on happiness and meaning in life.

But today I decided to take it all back. I used to be so happy and carefree and content. I miss those days. Maybe they are gone forever with my childhood. Maybe life's brutality has taken them from me and I can't take them back. But I hope not. haha this sounds so upbeat. Luckily, only a few of you select people read this thing anyway.

I guess I'm just impatient. My mom always said I was too impatient with life. When I turned 16, I was already ready to be 17. I'm too eager and impatient for the next thing to come my way. It's one of my huge character flaws, I guess you could say. But, leaving BYU-Idaho will not make me happy. Moving to wherever I move will not make me happy (although I hope it's somewhere warm and sunny, which would in fact, make me happy). I have to find happiness in whatever I'm currently sitting in, which is BYU-Idaho. I will find the good in my circumstance and embrace it. So this is my fightsong.

Yeah..I feel better already. :)

Birthday Photos!

As I mentioned, Ashley and Scotty made a big to-do about my birthday. They were so cute. I have the best family in the world, perhaps. :)