Today my friend told me that I am negative and unhappy and in a bad place, and while I initially just wanted to punch her in the face and walk away laughing, after a few minutes of talking, I broke down and realized she is so so right. I have been waiting for happiness to come to me, but it never will. I must corner it and lock it in my closet. I feel pretty ready to be done with BYU-Idaho and the Rexburg scene lately (ok, since I returned from my mission--let's face it), and I sort of feel like I'm in a rut waiting to leave and move on. That is a frustrating feeling, so I just sort of gave up on happiness and meaning in life.
But today I decided to take it all back. I used to be so happy and carefree and content. I miss those days. Maybe they are gone forever with my childhood. Maybe life's brutality has taken them from me and I can't take them back. But I hope not. haha this sounds so upbeat. Luckily, only a few of you select people read this thing anyway.
I guess I'm just impatient. My mom always said I was too impatient with life. When I turned 16, I was already ready to be 17. I'm too eager and impatient for the next thing to come my way. It's one of my huge character flaws, I guess you could say. But, leaving BYU-Idaho will not make me happy. Moving to wherever I move will not make me happy (although I hope it's somewhere warm and sunny, which would in fact, make me happy). I have to find happiness in whatever I'm currently sitting in, which is BYU-Idaho. I will find the good in my circumstance and embrace it. So this is my fightsong.
Yeah..I feel better already. :)
I think dying your hair definitely makes it official. A new you, right?
ReplyDeleteI hope this conversation with your friend was good and that she meant to be kind and helpful and constructive, not just tear you down. I think we all phases in our lives when we're more negative or more carefree. The realities of growing up can seem negative but you're time in the sun will come. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a big year for you, as have the last few years of your life. Almost dying, going on a mission, coming home from a mission, graduating from college.
love you.
I've thought about this since my last comment and I think this girl doesn't sound like a good friend. You're not negative. Seriously. Dye your hair but don't do it because you're starting a new life. Do it just to be you, because that's the sort of thing you do.
ReplyDeletestill love you.
Kathryn
ReplyDeleteI think there is a difference between a bad stressful day or month and being negative. I think you are one of the most positive full of faith people I know. And you have had some seriously valid reasons to be a little down lately, but even in the middle of them, everytime we talk you are always telling me it will work out and sharing experiances of how you have been blessed. But you are so right happiness is a choice!!! Granted sometimes it is a harder choice to make than others, but in my experiance, the more I do it the easier it is to keep it up. I love you!! Send me pictures of your awesome new hair color!!