Literanxiety

Well, it's two days after Christmas. Here's what I got--because I know all of you are ravenous to know:

• two sweet groupons--one to Nordstrom Rack (with which I bought a fabulous sweater this afternoon :) and one to the Body Shop (which I have yet to use)
• a great cardigan from Gap (go Judy!)
• a book from Scotty and Ashy (via Jake)
• a beautiful scarf from Hungary
• and cash--the universal giftcard, as Dad likes to call it. To spend this cash, I bought some wonderful Target purchases. Target is the best!

So that's that. Christmas was weird this year, as only Jake, Kristin, and I are here from the Keller fam. Nonetheless, it was wonderful. For reals. We have had a lot of fun together and with the Chais and some of their family. We've played a lot of games, and eaten way too much food. Gees. I better crack down hard on my workout regimen this winter. urggghhh. Why can't I control myself during the holidays? It's impossible.

So I'm feeling a little bit of anxiety over finishing all the books which are stacked on my dresser, waiting to be read. I really wanted to finish a couple over break before school starts up again, but it looks grim. haha. I am reading The Letters of Vincent van Gogh right now, but in line behind that is Life of Pi, Gilead, and Of Mice and Men. Gees. I get reading anxiety sometimes. I get so excited about all these books that I wanna read, but panic that I'll never finish them. What's that called? I'll call it literanxiety. I like that.

Well, at this point, I'm actually excited to start school again. I get a little stir crazy at home. I have a week left here, which will be about perfect. I would lose it if I stayed here longer than that. Well readers aka siblings and friends, I'll catch ya later.

Annie Dillard is my besty!

So, I've read for the first time, and fallen in love, with Annie Dillard this semester. I have been reading a few of her books in my nonfiction literature class. She is just fantastic. Any of you who are unfamiliar, I urge you to read her work. I am reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek right now, for which she won a Pulitzer prize at the age of 29. Here is a little taste of it:

"I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wandering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty beats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them, under the wind-rent clouds, upstream and down. Simone Weil says simply, 'Let us love the country of here below. It is real; it offers resistance to love (P. 232-233).'"

Gees, pretty remarkable right? Ooohhh it gives me absolute literary chills. :) That's about it for today, I guess. I just had to rave about her for a sec.

I wrote a new poem today, well a few, but here is my favorite. I haven't titled it yet. Tell me what you think.

When I smell my scriptures,

I smell Sister Smith—

the pillar-of-a-woman

recent convert whose house

reeked of piss and all things dying.

When I smell my scriptures,

I remember her toothless smile and fierce hugs,

and how, after missing my scriptures for three weeks,

she delivered them to me at church,

like a storybook hero—

forever imprinting them with her smell.

When I smell my scriptures,

I feel the waves of the Atlantic rolling

over my feet,

and see the photograph of my entire zone

suspended over the shore, weightless in time.

When I smell my scriptures,

I feel mosquitoes slowly sucking

the life out of me,

day after day--

leaving bloody smudges on my nylons,

when I squashed them.

When I smell my scriptures,

I remember the humidity

of Florida summers, and

the hope that people would somehow

see in two drenched varmints,

representatives of Jesus Christ.

When I smell my scriptures,

I see President Darrington’s blue gaze

and half-moon spectacles—

my very own Dumbledore!

and I hear him say with a choked voice:

“This is the work of the Lord!”

When I smell my scriptures,

I hear my alarm clock ringing at 6:30,

and feel myself rolling over, moaning

“no, please no”

as I fall to my knees.

When I smell my scriptures,

I think of a time when love was all that mattered

and I wish, oh how I wish,

that I were once again wearing nylons and

a tiny black nametag.

Pie Chart of my life

This is what I made today instead of doing homework:

Conclusions: I sleep too much and don't do enough homework...

At this very moment...

there is a giant stack of books about Shakespeare on my desk; I am eating crunchy cheetos; I am planning a trip to NYC; I am listening to Taylor Swift; I'm about to do Pilates. That's it for today folks. :)

Poem of the day

Saturn's Rings

When people say they're in love,

I always wonder what they mean.

Those four letters strike me

with fear and bewilderment

my heart races, my hands clam

and suddenly I am in first grade

learning about Saturn's rings,

giddy by their color and beauty

stupefied by a world of darkness

I never knew I belonged to.

My friends call me a walking dictionary

but there is one word I can't define

one word that haunts me, scorns me:

I fear I will never understand.

I don't speak of it or write of it

because that would be like an artist performing surgery

so it is the tragedy

I hide in the darkness,

never speaking of, but never forgetting.

I tell myself it doesn't exist,

but I know I'm lying.

If not for love,

then for what?

Maybe this is the source of its power

maybe I will always be in first grade

in love's classroom.

Song of the Day

"Nothing's Lost" by Patrick Park

I have foreseen the future

Today I saw my life, twenty years down the road, via my awesome English professor. She read us a sweet essay she wrote entitled: "Thirteen Ways of Looking at Loneliness." It's about being a single woman in the church, which, until today, I never realized she was. I guess I never bothered to look at her left hand to check. She just seemed so awesome; I assumed. But she's turning 40 this year and has never been married. She's actually one of the best professors I've ever had, but even more, she's one of the coolest people I've ever met. I've often chatted with her after class about random stuff as we walk across campus. Yep. I've become THAT girl--the one who hangs out with teachers. But hey, they're funny and love to talk about books. Is there a better combination? Not for me there's not!

Anyway, as I was saying..this essay is just fantastic. I'll have to post it when I actually get a copy of it. I gotta ask I suppose. It made me more aware of loneliness than ever before! And it made me scared that this is my future! I will probably end up just like Sister Gee--the cool English professor (not at BYU-I, however. :) who reads books alone at night and goes to book clubs and has a few cats or so. Don't get me wrong. I thirst for education and a chance to contribute something to society. Especially where books and literature are involved. I would gladly be that woman and be single. But after 15 years or so, I can't imagine being thrilled about going home to a book and an empty house.

Anyway, this is a random blog. I have foreseen the future and it is awesome! Thanks Sister Gee!!

My life is my life!

I'm sitting in the library "studying," where I write most of my blogs. haha. Just returned from Thanksgiving break, which was relaxing and Monopoly-filled. I finally developed a healthy respect and even adoration for a favorite family game called "London." It rocks. I've always been too lazy to learn it I suppose. I never have been a big card gamer. Or gamer in general, for that matter. But something's happened and I'm obsessed now.

The clouds took a massive, disgusting dump on Rexburg, and it's freakin nasty here. Why, oh why did I choose THIS college town?? I take comfort in the fact of my impending graduation/ instant departure from this place! July just can't come fast enough.

I don't know where I'll go, but I can't wait to get there. And for some reason I'm not worried about getting there. It will work out, declares my faith! It's sort of funny, though, the whole concept of finding where you belong in the world. For so long I've "belonged" in Texas, or Idaho, or even Florida, or (dare I say?) Utah. By "belonged," I mean had obligations or responsibilities that kept me there. But now, where do I "belong?" Where will I call home now?

The great thing is, "the world is my oyster!" And all that crap.... But really. A very big (and daily expanding) part of me, begs to run far far away...like to London! Or just to get lost in Europe for a while, and heck...maybe even work somewhere. I'm just not satisfied with a lack of adventure. Perhaps this is a huge character default :), which I'm willing to accept, but there it is. The other part of me feels obligated to find a legit job somewhere, earn money for a year in preparation for grad school, and get a master's or something greater. hmmm...Which part of myself will win??

Stay tuned you three followers! And maybe we'll find out together. hahah

Oh and my favorite song today is "The Girl," by a wonderful, newly discovered band called "City and Colour." Check it out.

Thanksgiving Break

Wow. I'm so tired of school. Tomorrow is my last day and then I get a week off for Thanksgiving. I'm so excited! I was inspired to write a poem today after eating lunch on campus on a study break. It's the simple, mundane things in life that are worth writing about sometimes. I'll post it here for you guys to see:

The Crossroads: Make a Connection

“This one’s my favorite,”

a large, toque blanche-donned woman whispers

in my ear as I stand statue-like

at the soup bar.

“It took us forever to make.”

I nod in respectful awe as I

delicately agitate the contents of

the large silver pot labeled:

“Cherokee Pepper Pot Soup”

The okra spoke to me first, then the carrots.

I sit alone in the most isolated corner

I can find,

slurping incessantly,

shocked by each swallow,

reviewing my mental “to do” list:

read Mosiah 2 en español

write annotated bibliography

read/ write poetry

call Kristin

make Scotty a birthday card

solidify ride for weekend

take a fat nap

BYU-Idaho breathes around me and

I peruse, I speculate, I eavesdrop.

The two girls to my right catch my attention:

“My teacher mentioned the KKK today,”

the one wearing navy and an interesting headband says.

“In American foundations he singled me out

because I’m black, and asked ‘what do you think?’”

she recounts.

“I was like: ‘I don’t know. What do YOU think?

I didn’t live in that time.’”

Her Latin friend laughs approvingly,

affirming the absurdness of the situation.

They discuss how strange it is to be

colored at BYU-Idaho

I laugh at what a remarkable place the Crossroads is

and smile, mouth full of Cherokee pepper pot.

The day has finally come!

Wow. Here I am writing my first blog that no one will read.:) You guys have been on my back about making one of these forever (..Jansen) and last night at 2 a.m., as I was "writing" a paper, lightning struck and I knew I could no longer avoid the blogcosmos. So here goes nothing...