Texas or California?

Haha. Somehow I always knew it would come down to these two states. It's no surprise why. The sun shines in these places. I like sun. Sun is good. Me need sun. Me happy in sun. I don't know how many times I've sworn to myself that I would never live in a state where it snowed, but I'm actually quite serious about it. So, I've really been considering both of these places. If anyone has any job leads, I'm all ears. I was thinking particularly of Austin, for some reason, but who knows? I guess it all depends on where I can find a job of ANY kind. My main goal is to earn/ save as much money as possible in the next year before until I start grad school. Oh decisions decisions. I'm leaning toward Texas right now because it's WAY cheaper and I feel like I would save a bit more money there. Is it even possible to save money when you live in CA? You Californians better jump in here and share your thoughts. Anyway, with 26 days til graduation, I best get on this. I can't wait to graduate. I know I've said it before and you are probably terribly sick of hearing it, but I just don't care. WHOO HOO! I am so stoked.

Well, ta ta for now. Love you all!

Kathryn

A few of my favorite things...

Hello from my mind:

So I just want to share with you a few things that are rocking my world right now. Just for fun, and because I can't think of anything extraordinary to say.

1. Elephants. I just saw that Water for Elephants movie a while ago and have become somewhat obsessed with elephants since then. They are the coolest animals God ever dreamed up.

2. Brandi Carlisle: "Before it Breaks." I just really really love this song right now. I've listened it to it ten times in the last hour. Soon it will probably not be my favorite song anymore. hahah. Here is a youtube link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPLST5EYsSE

3. The writing of John Stuart Mill: "I never, indeed, wavered in the conviction that happiness is the test of all rules of conduct, and the end of life. But I now thought that this end was only to be attained by not making it the direct end. Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way."

4. The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Guided by the inspiration of a friend and home teacher (and the Spirit of course), I decided to challenge myself to read the Book of Mormon in a month, which means i need to read 17 pages a day. It is a time sacrifice for sure, but already my life is changing under the power of that book (again!). It is a great gift I'm giving to my life right now.

5. Poetry. Poetry. Poetry. As usual. I'm still inhaling it and doing my best to write it. It remains my most violent, rapturous passion in life. :) Here is a poem I wrote recently after watching a video about the old film critic/ writer, Roger Ebert after his jaw removal:

Voice: To Roger Ebert

As I look at you I realize that voice is something altogether

separate from larynx, pharynx, palate, tongue, teeth, lips, sound.

Voice is being. Voice is thought. Voice is essence.

A cold, empty voice is now yours.

It was manufactured by some tech geniuses in Scotland.

I wonder what you did the first morning you woke up

after they removed your jaw,

and you tried to speak.

Did you cry?

Did you weep?

What happens to the mind when ability is swallowed by disability?

Of this I know something.

Is voice inherent?

Is voice cultivated?

Was I born with my voice?

Voice is the dearest treasure in the universe.

I never knew that until I heard yours.

6. Friends. I really have been blessed with the most remarkable friends in the wide world. A few of my dearest friends in the world came to visit me in Rexburg this weekend: a mission companion, mission friend, and convert I taught on my mission. It was a delightful weekend. Here are a few pics of us traversing my little town.


Well, that's about it for now I suppose since I still have to read my 17 pages of the Book of Mormon and I have class tomorrow morning. The time has already slipped so quickly away from me. Sorry for all of my avid readers for my long absence from the world of blogging. What can I say? I graduate from college in forty-two days? I'm a bit preoccupied. :)

Going to the Mattresses

Today I decided to start all over at life. I really have been going about it all wrong. It's time for a change. Which usually means I need to dye my hair...hmmm..better ask if my roommates are game. Oh man it's too late. Living in a town like Rexubrg, Idaho means that everything is closed at 11:46 p.m. Drat. Tomorrow will be my official new start then. I don't know why, but it never feels official until I dye my hair or do something drastic to signify my seriousness. Like in high school when I was such an insomniac and would get the urge to cut my hair at 3 a.m., and then when I walked downstairs the next day, Mom would look at me and laugh and say: "hmm, you cut your hair again, eh?" She never really knew what I would look like when I walked down the stairs in the morning. And I didn't either. When something needed to change in my life, my hair was usually the first victim.

Today my friend told me that I am negative and unhappy and in a bad place, and while I initially just wanted to punch her in the face and walk away laughing, after a few minutes of talking, I broke down and realized she is so so right. I have been waiting for happiness to come to me, but it never will. I must corner it and lock it in my closet. I feel pretty ready to be done with BYU-Idaho and the Rexburg scene lately (ok, since I returned from my mission--let's face it), and I sort of feel like I'm in a rut waiting to leave and move on. That is a frustrating feeling, so I just sort of gave up on happiness and meaning in life.

But today I decided to take it all back. I used to be so happy and carefree and content. I miss those days. Maybe they are gone forever with my childhood. Maybe life's brutality has taken them from me and I can't take them back. But I hope not. haha this sounds so upbeat. Luckily, only a few of you select people read this thing anyway.

I guess I'm just impatient. My mom always said I was too impatient with life. When I turned 16, I was already ready to be 17. I'm too eager and impatient for the next thing to come my way. It's one of my huge character flaws, I guess you could say. But, leaving BYU-Idaho will not make me happy. Moving to wherever I move will not make me happy (although I hope it's somewhere warm and sunny, which would in fact, make me happy). I have to find happiness in whatever I'm currently sitting in, which is BYU-Idaho. I will find the good in my circumstance and embrace it. So this is my fightsong.

Yeah..I feel better already. :)

Birthday Photos!

As I mentioned, Ashley and Scotty made a big to-do about my birthday. They were so cute. I have the best family in the world, perhaps. :)

And then I was 24

Well, today was my birthday. It was pretty sweet. I love my family and friends sooooo much! Last night my friend threw a small party for me, which was swell. Then, today, Scotty and Ashy put a crown on my head and transported me to their house in a chariot with ribbons on the antenna, where we enjoyed a DELICIOUS meal of fajitas made by Scotty. Then we went to cousin's house and partied some more. I am sooo lucky to have you all in my life! I talked to my siblings and friends and was bombarded with facebook love (which, after all, is the only kind that counts right?? (this is me shaking my head)).

All in all, I'm pretty pleased to be 24. I plan on kicking life's butt as a 24 year old. That's right, this is my LIFE-KICKIN, BYU-I graduatin, job-gettin, grad school commencin, world-changin, friend-makin, book writin, money earnin, year BABY!!!

Or, maybe it will be just like my 23rd year, but hey, I gotta plan big ok? :)

Exciting news..

1. Well, this week I FINALLY GOT A JOB IN REXBURG, IDAHO--something, I admit, I never thought possible. Granted, it is going to be the most loathsome job of my life. It is at a call center. I will call people and survey them. Hey, as long as it keeps me fed, I'm thrilled! You can't ask much more of Rexburg, I've learned.

2. I just received word that I was accepted to participate in the National Undergraduate Literature Conference at Weber State University in Ogden, UT! I submitted several poems at the encouragement of my favorite poetry professor, but forgot all about it until I checked my email a couple days ago. I must admit that I had never heard of this conference before, but I am SO excited! It is a three day conference at the first of April, and students from all over the country come and attend workshops and read their original works. So I have to read my poetry during one of the sessions.

And the best part is that BYU-Idaho is paying my way (good thing cause it turns out it costs $130)! So, we're all gonna head down there in a van and party it up. The cool thing is that three famous writers are going to be there. Writers such as Sharon Olds (a mind-blowingly good poet, for those of you who've never heard of her), Terry Gifford, and Russell Banks. I'm just so freaking excited. What a random, unexpected opportunity!

Anyway, I gotta go do some homework, but I just wanted to let you guys know. Things are lookin up for the old Killer Keller.

I am no longer standing...

Well, I am so used to updating this thing, but I forgot to do it this week, because the news isn't exciting this time. I got eliminated! Not gonna lie..there were some disgustingly bad poets still standing man, but they voted ME out. It's cool. It's sort of a popularity contest anyway. So, that's done. It was a fun ride though.

So what else is going on in my life? Not much, really. It is is a beautiful, sunny, Rexburg day that makes me sooo happy. I plan on burying myself in my covers and reading reading reading for the remainder of the evening. What a life I lead. :) I don't think I could be any more of a bookworm, really. And instead of getting better, it's getting worse as I grow up. Speaking of growing up, I am turning 24 in a couple weeks. Wow. This will be a big year for me. I will get a big girl job and start grad school...yikes! I don't know if I have a clue what I'm doing, but I suspect that I don't.

I wrote a poem today about mom. It's a bit sad, but I thought I share it with you guys anyway. :)

Motherless

I have forgotten the way you used to talk,

tenderly and excitedly,

as if you were utterly engrossed in my teenage babbling,

as I lay on your bed and watched you quilt,

with a Turner Classic movie playing in the background.

I can’t recall the feel of your skin,

soft and weathered,

against mine,

as we embraced,

and you whispered secrets in my ear.

I have forgotten the cackle in your laugh,

that always filled in the spaces at parties,

and was greeted with laughter in turn,

by everyone near.

I don’t remember how you spent your days,

while we were at school,

and you were alone in our big, empty house,

because I never asked you.

I have forgotten the way you used to defend us

like we were your dearest and most beautiful possessions,

when anyone ever tried to hurt us.

I don’t remember the way your silver hair

shimmered in the sunlight,

gently brushed and curled by your careful hands,

or the smell of your mauve lipstick on Sundays.

I wish I could remember what you loved so much

about the gospel you taught us,

or the way you prepared copious lessons for ten years

to teach to teenagers who weren’t even awake to hear them.

I have forgotten the way you used to love me,

as no one else could.

I have forgotten what you saw in me

when your eyes lit up as they pierced mine,

and I knew you saw who I really was.